Trump’s Advice for Girl Scouts

Hello, little girls! It’s me, President Donald Trump, an Adult Scout,
recently graduated from Locker-Room Scout. Someone is probably reading
this aloud to you because I am too busy to meet with girls, since I have
to deal with domestic stuff and foreign people. But that doesn’t mean I
don’t have advice for you!

1. I’m not going to talk about politics, but when I do talk about
politics, shut up and listen. That is rule No. 1. You must always
shut up and listen when I talk about politics. Also, anytime I am
talking, just shut up and listen. On second thought, you don’t really
have to actively listen. I’m not listening most of the time.

2. If girls want to fight wars, please start with the war on Christmas.
You will celebrate Christmas instead of any other holiday. That’s right:
Valentine’s Day? No, Christmas. Thanksgiving? Christmas. Halloween?
Christmas. Fourth of July? You’re goddam right, as that is actual
Christmas and the day my really great friend Jesus wrote the Declaration
of Independence. Terrific guy.

3. Hillary is terrible. I rewatch clips of the election announcement
every morning before breakfast, and also after breakfast, and throughout
the day. Hillary sucks. Have you seen her e-mails? She is no real Girl
Scout, she is just the Girl Scout “crook”-ie.

4. I am an honorary Girl Scout. I want a ceremony for this, to which no
grown-up girl under a Manhattan eight can come.

5. Remember, as you become Woman Scouts, aim to be as thin as your
mints.

6. The best Girl Scout in the world is Ivanka. To earn your arts-and-crafts badge, you must make a gold statue of her beautiful form,
complete with accurate details of her body, and then send it directly to
me. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C., 20500. Great property,
but a downgrade from Trump Tower. Sad.

7. Jared Kushner is a wonderful Boy Scout, and my only son. Find a Boy
Scout like him, who will defend your fathers no matter what, for some
reason.

8. Square knots, never bowlines.

9. I…

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